My Prayer on Sanctuary

Sanctuary: shelter, refuge, protection

For many days now, I feel I have coped up with my "X" factor.
That factor that has been disturbing
my elements and neurons.
One key to my coping up
is this person in my life right now,
the vital core of my existence...
crude, yet I'm still living.

I feel low and then light
yet restricted but at the same time very cared for.
I know I am very much needed,
and there are times,
I would crave to be needed more.
But, I am so afraid that if it happens, it's going to kill the excitement.

I also need him, very much like he needs me,
but where I stand right now
I feel I need more space...
then I want him to be around...always.

I am freezing at the moment.
I am stopping at this point.
From where I am, I don't know where I'm going,
but my mind is whirling.

I would like to stand clear of any thoughts
aside from what I am feeling
right at this very moment.
This is the protection I need for now.

When I say to be protected,
it's not from enemy or evil of some sort
but to feel safe inside a wall that's naked to the eye...
that's how I seem to think of it.
And, it works so much for me.

I found refuge for my situation, my thinking,
my ambitions, my joys, my craziness,
my sentiments, my heartaches,
my losses, my inhibitions, my sufferings,
my tensions...especially those what you call
"silly-why-are-you-crying" moments.

Lord God, I know it's still You that I can call
my refuge, my shelter, my home
but it's my being human that's making me think
I need something concrete
to put my head on, to hold on to, to lean on.

I am so sorry for being too dependent on people,
for thinking that I could rely on human help
rather than God help.

It's quite hard to look at something you can't see.
Although, this is what I am actually feeling with this person,
sometimes I can see through him, sometimes I don't.
He is not a "WYSIWYG".

I know it breaks Your heart for me to say this.
Forgive me if right now I have to share my time with You with him.
You are a forgiving God and eventually
You will hand over Your grace to us.

In the meantime, please let me have a taste of both worlds,
I know and You know, I still need help whichever way...

I love You and I love my GUY!

Amen.

original written by soelag 04/15/2003
re-written in dedication to my love

Soelag, 08/12/2010