I am very sad to leave
but at the same time I think
it's time for me to take on another challenge.
I may not show it much
but I am emotionally and physically drained...
it's a blow
the first time I heard I was epileptic,
it's another
to hear I am bipolar,
and it's such a bomb
to feel that in reality,
I am disabled permanently....
I keep fighting it,
but I slump a hundred times over.
I look at all my medical records,
piled up in front of me, heaps!
I was fooling myself the whole time.
Blow after blow,
I always try to keep my head up,
but someone either pulls it back
or pushes it down.
I am a jokester,
I like to stand up and leap
to test who will break the fall.
Yet, no one.
My sickness when it strikes
can muster a battalion,
but a few remain to stand by me.
Life is a mystery,
the times you trust
are usually the times you shouldn't.
More often, it's better
to put your head in an empty box,
no holes,
you can only see your feet or chest,
and hear yourself breathe.
That way, you know you're still alive.
I am putting myself in one right now...
until I feel it's ok to come out again.
Have you ever been mixed up
with happiness and heaviness
at one moment?
To place who fathered which emotion
is also one way of knowing
which part of you is working that time,
whether it was established by the brain or the heart
or perhaps in this case, maybe both.
But to decipher which is the decision-maker
happens to be the tough part in that moment of mix-up.
I am happy today, a lazy sunny Sunday.
If I should associate this happiness within my brain
It is because I am listening to my favorite tunes on the radio
It may sound cheesy,
but I am actually a true blue jazz music fan.
I like those inconsistent
lingering indefinite and
where-does-this-lead-to melody and vocals.
Tickling clickety clicks of the piano, high pitch horns,
scats, shi-shing cymbals and shakers,
tingling bells and chimes, talking acoustics,
baby-ooh-you-make-me bedroom vocals….
they really get to me.
Maybe because it’s also how I see and draw art.
Emotionally, I feel the same way.
What my brain is nibbling on,
the jazz music flowing in my ear
that soothes my mind
and takes me back to memory lane,
tranquils my senses,
is also the same music which fills the loss in my heart.
This music that sparks my mind to imagine
is also making my heart feel alive again.
Going back, I have never heard
of a person whose heart can be divided,
Yet there is such a thing as divided thinking.
The mind can certainly play tricks on us,
or in my case
my mind plays a big role
in my emotional stability.
My head still rules over my heart.
Whatever my head dictates, my heart follows.
At least that’s what I think I am doing.
