bipolar thoughts

5/29/2012 12:31:39 PM

I can't say whether I am going nuts or getting out of my kookoos. After going through substance withdrawals, highs and lows, erratic and ecstatic synapses, I can't figure out anymore who I am and what monsters I have made of myself and my surroundings.

Independence

singularity, freedom, liberty

Parting is such sweet sorrow! I couldn’t believe that I could take so much of these come-by-let-go relationships but I took them all in a stride. No heaviness at all… Could it be because of my medications? I’ve turned into an insensitive freak? Let’s just put it this way, I have grown comfortable with myself not having to be with anyone. Singular, one, uno, sole, alone, solitary, hermit?! (Oh no! don’t let me be) is all I am.

As my shrink told me, I am like an undisclosed man-hater (I don’t actually believe that), who acts vehemently but with tolerable vengeance for faults found and damage caused on my ego and emotions. It could be because of my undying love for freedom from being rated as second class citizen, and the pride of having a vagina that can bitch around!

To top this all off, let me end with a prayer, Great J, I don’t ask for courage to be independent, I ask for courage to be with somebody who I can truly rely on and who can truly rely on me. It’s been very frightening for me to see myself with someone and getting serious about it. I feel an impossibility in me. Let me grow to love someone else, and not just me. But to get the ball rolling, let me start by loving You and my kids more than anybody else.  

AMEN. 03-20-2003

Falling and Growing

I never thought there would be
such a thing as falling out of love.
I wanted to clear things in my mind
to know if this is just a stage I’m going through
or it was really bound to happen.

I have searched myself for answers
and I keep coming back to the thought of us
being just friends again.
And what a happy thought I make.
No more worries.

Maybe you would never understand
but I think the time has come for me
to open up and face the truth
that what I feel for you is not the same as before.

I admit I have changed much as you did.
I don’t think ours is a failure but more like we’re growing.
11:47 am 1/5/99