Independence

singularity, freedom, liberty

Parting is such sweet sorrow! I couldn’t believe that I could take so much of these come-by-let-go relationships but I took them all in a stride. No heaviness at all… Could it be because of my medications? I’ve turned into an insensitive freak? Let’s just put it this way, I have grown comfortable with myself not having to be with anyone. Singular, one, uno, sole, alone, solitary, hermit?! (Oh no! don’t let me be) is all I am.

As my shrink told me, I am like an undisclosed man-hater (I don’t actually believe that), who acts vehemently but with tolerable vengeance for faults found and damage caused on my ego and emotions. It could be because of my undying love for freedom from being rated as second class citizen, and the pride of having a vagina that can bitch around!

To top this all off, let me end with a prayer, Great J, I don’t ask for courage to be independent, I ask for courage to be with somebody who I can truly rely on and who can truly rely on me. It’s been very frightening for me to see myself with someone and getting serious about it. I feel an impossibility in me. Let me grow to love someone else, and not just me. But to get the ball rolling, let me start by loving You and my kids more than anybody else.  

AMEN. 03-20-2003